Midnight Bicycle Mystery

EGG.  hardboiled.  Cado’s pimp.
[AVO]CADO.  overripe prostitute.  does not appear onstage but whose voice is heard from the apartment.
THE CLIENT.  does not appear on stage, but is with Cado in the apartment.
CHORUS.  consists of 4 females / prostitutes?.  speak / sing in unison.
________________________________________

[midnight.  an alley next to an
apartment high rise in a meatpacking district.
the light is a diffused blue imitating moonlight.
the chorus is mingling onstage, laughing.
a bicycle is leaning up against the wall on center left stage.
the words JESUS LOVES ME TOO are graffitied.
the present.]
enter egg

EGG
Cado!!!!  Cado!  I see your bike I know you’re here!  [lights cigarette] ‘
CADO
Egg!  Is that you?
EGG
Prolly not.  Are you almost done?
CADO
You booked me, you should know they haven’t already shown yet.
EGG
[laughing] Rotten, straight up and down rotten.
CHORUS
NO REST FOR THE WICKED!
EGG
Sick of this ‘same shit different day’ deal.  There’s got to be a better way to waste an eternity.  Its the WAITING.  Waiting for this one or the other.  How many hours are spent in between those legs of hers?
CHORUS
SHE’S A WORKING GIRL, THAT ONE!
CADO
Listen I’ll finish up here and then I’ll take you out nice, eh?
EGG
[looks around, laughs] You? You’re not making a goddamn Roosevelt dime up there and you still owe Joey Maloney a pair of eight.
CADO
It’s not about the money, Egg.  This is special, its just you n me tonight.
EGG
Take me out! NOT IF I TAKE YOU OUT FIRST, LOVER!
CHORUS
IT’LL END IN TEARS!
CADO
We’ll be out of here soon. Just gotta.  You know.  Blow.
EGG
It was never just you and me.  It was always just you and me. Except one of us had to share.
CADO
I don’t know if can do this, Egg, I scared I
EGG
You always say that.  It gets easier, or so I’m told.  [laughs]  We got it goin’ bossanova.  [Chorus begins bossanova line dancing] Besides, this is the perfect time for ‘cados.  And there’s no one out here [looks over at chorus] You’re safe with me.

CADO
Egg! It was just I saw the moon I you know how it is….
EGG
[walks over to bike] What’s the deal you don’t lock your shit up anymore?  This is your job, Cado.  You have one fucking thing to do – and that’s whoever I tell you to.  You keep talking shit and you’ll be one of us.
CHORUS
ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
CADO
That doesn’t look so bad from up here.
EGG
It’s been too long.  But not long enough.
CADO
I been hookin’ on the railroad…Great job!
EGG
[speaks now to audience]  See what I mean? If throwing food in the garbage is such a waste – then what of us?  Alley crawler hustlers, rolling dice for ice, sex and my slavery, endless mindslaughter…
CHORUS
SHE PUTS THE LAUGHTER BACK IN SLAUGHTER!
EGG
Is this really worth dying for?  This half life that is?  No one wants to admit that they’re looking for love anymore.  Or they’ve already found it.  And you’re not it.  She told me once she wanted a nice little house by the sea.  She was all like ‘one day I’ll buy us a little house, Egg.  We’ll roast prawns over the fire, we’ll pick berries in the fields.’
CHORUS
BULLSHIT!
EGG
That’s what I keep saying.  But seeing her like this.  She was so smooth when I first met her.  Cado was the new kid on the market – hard and glistening and so – NEW.  I had clients reeling in for her.  I couldn’t keep up with this girl.  I saw it in their eyes.
CHORUS
IF LOVE IS THE DRUG!
EGG
Well I wouldn’t call it love per se but that’s what They called it.  Lovin’ – like it was something to be traded.  But it was.  A slippery currency indeed.
CADO
Wait I can’t feel my legs.
EGG
You pull out the sublime in me.  I can’t play the streets with her – setting her up with the flies of all people to lay their dirty eggs in her.  I can see her swelling swelling swelling swollen with violent treachery.  Day in and night out with them, in shitty motel rooms that I pay for!  How long can she keep this up before she splits open – rotten fruit that she is!
CHORUS
SHE’S NOBODY’S LADY!
EGG
I never knew what went on in those rooms – I never asked and she never told.  She told me her going rate.  She knew her limits and how to push them – and the cost.  Oh the cost is more than I could ever bear.
CADO
No really, I can’t feel my legs.
EGG
What I wouldn’t give.  Every bone in my body.
CHORUS
NOT LIKE THIS!
EGG
You must think I’m a fool.
CADO
Yea, well.
EGG
It would hurt me more to let you be taken by them.  For them to own you.
CHORUS
LIES!  ENOUGH WITH YOUR SLANDEROUS LIES!
EGG
There is nothing so easy in this life as letting the blood flow silently out of your body.  [cracks jaw]  She was the only one for me.  She’s no decimal point off.  What does no one admit that they’re looking for true love anymore?
CHORUS
WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE?!
EGG
Knowing that there is nothing that I can say or do to change her ways. I’ve yolk broken myself here by roping her into this racket.  And now I pay the ultimate price.  Her body?  My mind?  And just one eternity with her?  Is this my underworld?
CHORUS
DIABOLICAL ROMANTICISM!
CADO
I just wanted to get smashed.
EGG
Smashed grated sauced sloshed battered spanked loaded bent mangled blitzed busted pissed ripped sideways plastered roasted crunk faded fucked hammered slaughtered –  tanked shellaked faced buzzed…
CADO
[interrupts Egg after ‘slaughtered’ shrieking] Because I can’t help it!
EGG
It takes the pain away long enough to distract you from the act of inflicting pain.
CADO
But you were one of us!  You perv!
CHORUS
A EGG DON’T KNOW WHY SHE A EGG SHE JUST A EGG!
EGG
[laughing, always laughing] Yeah yeah lick your healed wounds.  I never said I was good at this. [squares off to the audience] When I was a young egg I remember riding on the back of my mother’s bike, singing and swaying – listening to wind in the concrete – the sounds of the cars on X street – soon these sounds were a constant reminder of that frailty in me and helplessness of watching the one person you loved died. Was it an accident – I’ll never know.  All these years are here – summed up into a sound not unlike the roaring continuous water falling onto artificial rock.  It was all a game – the streets and all the lives they’ve taken – and there was Cado. [walks to the edge of the building, looks up]  She took me into myself, showed me the underlying structure of my boredom.  [yelling up] NO I’M TAKING YOU OUT!
CHORUS
TELL IT LIKE IT IS!
EGG
[turns back to audience] It was a bit of a disgrace, becoming one of the oppressors after all those years working those rooms [gestures to the building].  But in the end, its fuck or be fucked.  Besides, this pay’s better than if Cado’s was my competition.  There are certain things i do not want or need in my life – finity is no longer an issue considering this shell of mine [taps body] I don’t know what I would have preferred – falling in love with strangers or best friends. How quickly time is claiming her skin from me – she is the only thing escaping me.  Freedom within control is the goal.  Now she’ll always be mine.  The maggots have taken the best of her – this is all that I have left.
CHORUS
WHO SENT YOU?
CADO
[screaming] Egg!!! Egg!  Help me!  He’s got a knife! [some more screaming]
THE CLIENT
Don’t you trust my mercy.
[LIGHTS CHANGE FROM BLUE TO RED]
CHORUS
CADO IS DEAD!  MURDERED!
EGG
[turns to chorus] Thanks for pointing it out.  [walks over to bicycle, mounts it, looks at audience]. That girl’s been cruising for a bruising since the day she was born.  I think we both got what we deserve.
EXIT EGG ON BICYCLE

CHORUS
TELL ME WHY THEY HURT YOU LIKE THAT
I CAN’T SEE HOW YOU GO ON
TONITE AND TODAY
MY EYES CLOSED IN THE CLUB
TONITE AND TODAY
THE SMALLEST KISS IN THE WORLD
TONITE AND TODAY
I WON’T FORGET IT OR WHY
WHICH BOYS WHICH GIRLS ANSWERED YOUR AD
WELL MAN IT WAS NONE OF THEM
WHEN I GIVE IN WILL IT BE OK
MAKE ME SEE IT’S MY LAST YEAR*

* tonite and today [what chu talkin’ bout] by xiu xiu [2002]

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