Posts tagged ‘structure’

August 18, 2010


and so it has come to pass.

many of you know, and many of you don’t know, that i was away for a few weeks.  not far enough away to be a trip, but enough to know that i was somewhere i was not from, to stay and work in a place that i did not belong.  there was a pull in my chest to return from whence i came.  wherever and whenever i was.

during this time, a very dear friend of mine had died and my client became very ill and i began to crumble under the pressure.  of what?  i am the only person who puts me in trouble.  dare i say i am my own worst enemy.

the signs were clear enough, really.

  • ‘your heart will skip a beat’ – fortune cookie
  • the morbid curiousity of the rotting starling down the street
  • new undead creature addiction
  • never knowing when the last time you will speak to someone.

i wish i knew where all these flies were coming from – besides something that’s rotting.

plunging and reveling in this has been both absurd and refreshing.  having gone through a myriad of depressions before this i knew a task was needed in order to channel the fervent energy away from pathetic vampire tears.

maybe someone remembers KALASHNIKOZY?  i know i do.  needing a project that was going to last me a day or 2, i contacted my prime mover and we’re pursuing it fully.  we’ll see how it pulls through but thankfully, my hands are no longer idle – as for satan and my mind – that is for another day.

home mix

in any case, here’s a mini mix!  a soundtrack for elated sadness, or something.  thoughts?

June 24, 2010


i WILL take it TOO FAR

only i think i’m funny

musov shoko

musov shoko strikes again!


i’m pretty sure i’m going to be spending the rest of my living life alone because i have yet to meet someone who gets why i like this.  not enjoy the music itself [i KNOW, ok?], but to enjoy me when i’m IN IT – for the pure, positive energy i cannot help but emit as i karaoke the shit out of the nearest pair of scissors.

behold, every reason why i will eternally danse alone.

May 9, 2010

Felt Left

those felt things i may or may not have been talking about earlier.

only one felt left


you have no idea [or maybe you do, i have no idea – do i have any artist readers out there? anyone? bueller?] how immensely wonderful it is to not have to make Art.  the past few months of whatever have been the creative equivalent of leeches.  BUT.  after being pushed to my limits to make things i have been somewhat coerced into making – making well, making meaningful, making quickly – i have eradicated any and all chance of hideous emotional projection and stuck to the fun stuff.  crocheted seahorses for brilliant 2 year olds, felt curtains for studi-ohs!, yarns for fence drawings, aprons for work, fabulously gaudy rugs for hooking………run along Art World, there’s nothing to see here.

hurry up

April 23, 2010


The era of the giant question mark

looking back on the past 3 years is a rather dangerous one – but luckily with a relative age comes a relative perspective.  however imperfect, i climb back onto the creative saddle.  use it or lose it!  don’t mess with the mojo.

switching from the conceptual to the [ ____ ] *

* i don’t know how to describe my ‘regular’ or ‘nonacademic’ art – not for lack of concept, but the intent of forming differs enormously.  in honour of the project i contribute to whenever i please, so is my practice, BEDLAMIC.

sometime when i was working in the shawn b murphy studio i drafted up the original ‘or something’ banner out of butcher paper.  scrapping the script, i opted for block letters in black cotton on mixed textile patchwork.

or something banner phase 1

[clicking makes the picture grow to epic proportions]

this is not a thing, it is just a thing. i thought it would be … ‘fun’ or ‘funny’. or something. get it? 100% appropriate.

while i was switching applique colours, i noticed i kept resting my needle on the table or sticking it in a scrap fabric, making me lose the blasted thing more often than not.  i thought, why don’t i have a proper pincushion?  ive made on before but it keeps all my large tapestry needles now and my hack stuffing job makes it kinda crappy.  so right then and there i whipped up this little bad boy.

pin shadowe

this dude’s about 2″x2″, with a small waistband elastic going across allowing me to do this

if you liked it then you should have put a pincushion ring on it


please note the rgb panel acting as curtain in the background.  BITCH OOZES ART GLAMOUR.


speaking of…hands….aren’t they great?  i know this sounds lame and no one really cares about a shout out to my hands but really folks, without them everything would just be an idea in my head.  extra slovenly love to my left hand.  i shouldn’t get into details lest they lead to paranoia but i would be lost without them.  no doubt knitting, crocheting, sewing etc isnt impossible with my mouth or feet but i’ve spent so long already fine tuning my movements that losing them would be an intense experience.

i appreciate their ability to move, to take a beating and still look not too shabby.  even with all the scar tissue and flesh regrowth from the myriad accidents [there’s evidence of one in the right sidebar of this page, if you look close enough] i’ve endured over the years, they’ve kept their falsely narrow aesthetic.  the way my wrists cut into my laptop when i am typing this very sentence is welcome and familiar.  the way the vein pops in heat and dehydration in my left hand – an occurrence directly linked to the placement of the IV needle i had for my appendectomy when i was 10.  the way i obsess over the shape and length of my fingernails, and the way i keep my clippings in my pink sewing kit.  write with my left, cut with my right.  how i learned to crack my middle fingers, the tendons in my wrist are a personal sign of strength.  the inexplicable callouses on my pinkie fingers.  my wedding rings.  the way i grind the skin underneath my nails.  the width of my palms, the bend of my joints buckling under scar tissue.

here’s to you, heather’s hands.  live long and prosper.  make art, make art!

what’s next?
– embellish ‘or something’.  beads, and sequins.  going to town on the sequins.
– ‘musov shoko for judas’ applique
– that felt circle thing.  reqbat knows what i mean.
– finish the first few copies of CALIBRATION [i sure talk a lot about this blasted zine, i should just hurry up and post / list it already
– my mother’s 60th is quickly approaching.  celebrate it with the handmade glory she has worked so hard [or so easy] to make an integral part of my value system.

hopefully it won’t be several weeks until i post again, i want to take some photos of the wares i received from a trade with the lovely vedoluce ! i will wait till the sun is out again, to ease the process.

friday already?  204 am.  i cannot think of a better time to listen to zwan.

April 9, 2010

helminthophobic landscapes and rgb nightmares [for s]

helminthophobic landscapes and rgb nightmares [for s]

and, this marks the end of ilhu’s rgb period.  for now.

helminthophobic landscapes and rgb nightmares [for s]

helminthophobic landscapes and rgb nightmares [for s]

helminthophobic landscapes and rgb nightmares [for s]

helminthophobic landscapes and rgb nightmares [for s]

parallel to this i had been working on an absurd stop motion animation.

have a rough cut.

i thought i would have more to say about all this but i’m still reeling from the xtensive intensive actions that these required.  today is a lovingly quiet day wherein i will get to READ, journal, clear some space on my hdrive, organize my shelves, etc.

neglecting my real life state, i feel like i’m ready to reassume myself.  also, i have found a direct correlation between sitting at the computer, my caffeine intake, and the pain in my jaw and spine.

utah, out.

April 2, 2010

A New Primary Loser

pre show madness for the external masses

cone drone

cone tops

i took photos of the other 2 rgb pieces but they will look so much more interesting when installed.

in other news,
expanding my primary colours so expanding from the gallery will look a little less…..obvious.
you….didn’t think i was just going to ride this one safe, right?


today i saw beautiful losers and i feel like it was one of those art films that i was supposed to feel UGH DAMN ARTISTS LOVING WHAT THEYRE DOING IS SO OBNOXIOUS but it WASNT!  as corny as it sounds, listening to these ‘diy-ers’ made SENSE.  it seems that the art industry is working backwards now – that this system is something that must be immediately sought after before one even has a chance to find something to say.  instead of making our own path and finding our own people, we are more or less coerced into these professional relationships and art taught the conventions without much thought to alternative.  the focus on our learning is of how to get people to notice us, how to make art watered down enough to be accepted by any number of juries or councils.  voiceless voided art is what will be rejected the least, according to the polls.

but who are these people?  where did they come from?  the dreckitudes of our society who make art because they make things that are missing in the world.  the purpose for making is an act in innovation because the things they like to look at don’t quite exist yet.  only after this does the filter kick in – would i show this to someone? yes or no.  make it happen.  it doesn’t take years to make a drawing.  it shouldn’t be a horrendous effort of haggling and begging to make what you feel is real.  just do it.  live off apples, sell your house and sleep in your studio.  what would you sacrifice to make what you want?

you are your own upper hand.  every moment is a ‘make it work’ moment.  if you want your work to be seen and you feel you have something to say, and hold the ability to say it with enough conviction, then you learn to make you own space to go along with it.  either way you’ll be working your ass off – who do you want to take the credit?

March 22, 2010


stranger, strangest.

how does one start with this


and end up with this?


i glitched one row, not even entirely sure how i was physically able to do so. after i accepted the fact that i ‘messed up’ [not even technically in my right mind at the time, either] i became hyper aware of every action i made. picking up a triangle and rhombus pair, i made sure i was sewing the right seam. but no! i made the same mistake, twice in a row.

at this point, it is best for both me and the piece to stop seeing each other.
scrap collage background.

gonzo detail

every photo i took of the pieces, the camera registered COMPLETELY different colours. i would have thought that the red green blue mix would have been perfect for electronic devices to pick up, but i guess its more of an output ability than an input one.

sitting in my studio, i am surrounded by these rather large tapestry like pieces on my wall. as i am writing this, i am slowly losing my vision in my right eye, the walls are vibrating so much. they water, and i cry, but for 2 very different reasons.

inner city

my favourite pattern of them all, but was the most difficult to design [surprisingly]  and the execution is definitely questionable. [see? k-kinda yellow]

in any case, i still have one more panel to make. ive decided to make this process a bit easier on myself and will stick to straight bars of colour, with varying widths? my plan with them is to back them to my helminthophobic landscapes.

inspired by very many things and a few people [always with the frustration], i am picking up where rgb sequin sequence left off.  i think.  i think its fairly obvious that i’m creating triggers using op art [a technique [not a genre] of art that i havent seen used very often].  searching excitement and immediate physical reactions using refracted light and fabric.

the drawings ive made on the hexagons are an amazing jumping off point for this endeavour.  the only problem ive been faced with, and has temporarily set me back from making more is the fact that i ran out of the original red pencil i was using.  i have another one but it wont last long.  these kinds of things never do.

rgb hexagon stair

rgb hexagon scan

exactly 23.5 years today, i have learned to be the pelagic shark.  in moments of pressure, stillness is what crushes you.  movement is always movement forward.  the smallest breath in the world is one small step out of this.  the efforts pay off, thankfully.  practice practice.  while i’m never quite sure if what im doing is any good is irrelevant [and somewhat impossible, for at this moment in time i cannot even SEE what i am doing] because THIS IS NOT A TEST.

March 9, 2010


working best spontaneously, i made this soon after learning that the aesthetic for ‘unknown pleasures’ was actually based off the magnetic field of radio pulsar CP1919.

cp1919 inspired

while it is not an exact replica of the pattern, you get the idea.


this is another sort of exploration of immediate imagery and colour. ive been thinking about animation for a while but the whole thing seems so overwhelming that i just keep tooling around with backgrounds for stop motion instead of troubleshooting real technical blocks like lighting and editing and an actual original score.

i will keep up the embroidery front.  its soothing, fast, and enjoyable.  i’m genuinely impressed with the speed in which i can produce embroidery.  just thinking back technically, i never would have been able to press out 3 samples and 2 pieces in a week – not on my life.  its one of those things where i never really tested my abilities in speed and variation.  at least now i feel confident in having found this, and to now be able to expand on this even further.

going back to me previous post of over 2 weeks ago, i’ve taken heather utah to the tagging fields.  where we stood and took photos of each other in the cold sun.  here, we stood in fields like every other twee fuck on the face of this god forsaken earth and were like soooo inspiring.  so much so, we had to go back to the Industries and photoshop this beyond shitty composite.

some more standing

to be quite honest i prefer remaining atonal, accdntl. but what do *i* know.


going back to the anarchist garden, i saw that most of the tags [ok all of them, essentially] have survived the winter! any cotton yarn i used lost most of its colour, fading to an unattractive brown. good old acrylic is still going strong after almost 6 months of rain, snow, and sun.

and this guy is still blowing in the wind! you go!


seeing the tenacity and staying power while still being manipulatable [word?] really amazes me, and has crystallized my decision to not gallery myself. this year end show will hopefully be my last. because 5 weeks of work and 1 week of show vs 1 week of work and 6+ months of show kind of speaks for itself. all solo shows all the time? HELLO.

in thread news, i recently received my pair of CHRISTIAN JOY stockings.

christian joy

and speaking of etsy [saving the plug for last]



syringe 1

not your average tshirt, this is THE syringe shirt. as seen on ilhu herself, this blastacular design is now available in all sizes.

or would you prefer to dork it out? then metatron’s polyhedra is for YOU.

metatron 1

AND DONT FORGET THE OCTOBUNNYZ!!!!!!!!  custom orders not only available but also desired.

penelope pelagic apis maureen 1 caligula 4 [i am] curious electra rgb

razzi shipmanship

feel free to buy as much owesomeness as you desire.  know that i will forever think you groovy, if these kinds of things are important to you.

because these things are important to me, and youre important to me.

February 20, 2010


Growing up in the lower laurentians in the 90s with an older brother, I was pretty well left to my own devices when it came to entertainment.  Yea, we had a tv, but this was pre-satellite and our town didn’t carry cable.  No one in my family was interested in video games, either, so it was the forest for us all.

Needless to say i had a pretty wild imagination.  powered by top 40 playlists on my clock radio, i would spend hours upon hours creating characters named after fonts and dressed up in the most outrageous outfits my mother would buy at church bazaars [took me forever to spell that right].  oh and the JEWELERY – the most fabulous gaudy stuff you’ve ever seen.  for every real life friend i was without, i would imagine 5 in their place.  yes, i was THAT child.  i was amazing, be jealous.

Fast forward 15 years, and i’m still listening to Dance Mix 96 [i’ve had a penchant for bad music since a very young age] [disco?! really?! really] and dividing my selves into smaller quantities, until i can grasp each character and quote, only to multiply once more.  it’s a very complex process of personae – but i’ve been doing this for years so i think i know what i’m doing.

You may or may not know me, but you probably have heard me refer to myself as ‘heather utah’ or ‘ilhu’ or something.  i was not born these people – but i did make them!  with a little help from my friends karen o, lady gaga, vince noir, alan vega, david bowie, and freddy mercury, i have finally established the ULTIMATE heather utah.

smell of wet cigarette

heather utah shit yea!!!!!!!

as long as you still run

we muthafuckin know how to.  i call this series of  SPs ‘SHIT YEA’, because i’m feelin it, y0.

have some brutal macros.

stuck pig

shit yea face

pro profile

stranger, softer.  the middle one looks like someone knocked my teeth out.  FABULOUS!

ILHU and caralee roman suits not shown [as they are not formally resolved yet].

now that ‘spring’ ‘break’ is here, its time to do some more ‘serious’ fiddling with audacity and my old school casio.  as much as heather j_ is inspired by music, i think heather utah is a noisician.

in other news :: i read my tarot last night – and my FAVOURITE card, the chariot, turned up again.  everything is going to be ok!

for those of you who don’t know – i recently lost someone very close to me and my biological family – but they are in a better place now, so i’m not too distraught.  i’m just very sad that they are not around anymore, they were a tremendously strong individual who will be dearly miss.  RIP my dear geraldine!

January 15, 2010

RGB Sequin Sequence

first of all ::  if havent already donated $5 to the red cross regarding the earthquake in haiti, i would recommend you do so immediately.  the survivors need fresh water and medical supplies more than you need that latte.


moving on to even more personal things.

today is tilted.


as if my eyes werent acting funnily [not funly] enough, i took some photos of my helmet and now my vision is slicing slow diagonals.

has the sun only just risen?  its 1034 and i woke up at 9 in almost complete darkness.  what day is this?  have i been wearing the helmet all this week and only just now removed it.


this piece is a continuation of the migraine and swimmerman themes.  inspired by pyramid head and my association of him as the ‘king of pain’ i was encouraged to make my own version of his hedronized self, sans machete, of course. [but maybe next project i’ll crochet / knit weapons of sorts?  actually i just made that up now but it seems like an interesting continuation]

i love swimmerman’s hands – i really do – but they represented something else entirely.  something that had nothing to do with hands.  they were the archetype of self inflicted pain – they were the source tearing at the soapy soft waterlogged skin.  in making the helmet, i wanted it to have an immediate physical reaction.  inside is lined with black [polyester?] and stitched gold thread and silver sequins.  the sequins in such close proximity to the fase and eyes reflect light [from the open top] in all directions making it almost impossible to focus at all.  one isnt supposed to be sure if what theyre seeing is very close or far away.  it is in some ways both, and neither.

the sequins on the outside – a carefully selected and meticulously organized and minimal red green blue act as the grill in which one is supposed to see through.  only there is no vision, and very little capability to hear.  RGB [for me] is an extremely intense migraine trigger.  looking sidelong at data projectors is like a slicing slash of vision, a diagonal glitch of thought processes.  my entire brain stops, its like this nanosecond of kryptonite.  seeing general idea’s AIDS wallpaper at the joliette museum was a glimpse of hell – the entire room starting vibrating and sliding.  just thinking and writing about it pulls on my optic nerve, slowly draining my brain.

in essence, ive attempted at making an apparatus that blocks out the viewer of the wearer’s reaction to the inside.  it is a means of escape but once donned, disables the wearer of any solace or ability to communicate.  if they cannot properly see what is in front of them, how can they explain it?  im not entirely sure if this part is successful in doing so.

but the light still gets in, however alienated we are from it.

regarding the theme of uncertainty – i am uncertain about communication.  my ability to perform it properly and interpret what other people are saying [or in my case, not saying at all].  i cannot force people to communicate with me, however necessary it is to my ability to process a dissolving relationship.  i spent a lot of energy in trying to understand WHY it happened, and instead received the exact same message several times, and proceeded to be ignored completely.  i should have given up long ago, i never should have given up.  toggling between these 2 extremes, i just needed to get away from myself.  why am i always fighting?  why does it always end in surrender?


hiss hiss.

so, wake up.  go to sleep.